Baby T5 update

I haven't had the energy or courage to post but I suppose it is time.

We went in for our first ultrasound on August 11th. My husband and I were nervous, but eager to have our fears dispelled. When the technician showed me the baby's kidneys I just burst into tears of relief. But later as she looked at the heart I squeezed my husband's hand, her eyes were fixed and serious...but somehow I thought I was just imagining things.

Unfortunately, I wasn't.

We found out we were having another son and that he had many problems. We went for more ultrasounds the following day at a perinatologist. I had an amniocentisis done. The end result is that our son has Trisomy 13. An extra 13th chromosome in every cell of his body.

I can't tell you the devastation we feel.

To know we are walking down basically the same road is very painful. We know what is coming, we know so well.

I have wanted to post about this, and also, I haven't. I am just trying to do every day one day at a time and feed the kids, keep some laundry done. We need prayer.

Here is his adorable profile at 23 wks.

Re-opening the wound

I was sitting on the couch when my oldest son came rushing in the door with my daughter in his arms. She was crying. She was wearing shorts and her knee was bleeding.

Wait...rewind.

A few days before she had skinned her knee on the cement and it was the kind that really hurt. Sort of like a burn. You know the kind?

It had healed over with a scab and at least it didn't hurt anymore. So now you're up to speed.

Okay, so my son came rushing in, put her in my lap. She had fallen AGAIN and opened up her scab. Now it was bleeding, a lot. It was the really thick, dark red blood. It scared her and it hurt.

It was a little more than a week since we had the ultrasound that had shattered our dreams again.

She looked up at me with big tears flooding her eyes and said through her sobs, "I don't want to do it again."

I instantly fell apart with her and burst into tears. I cried with her as I hugged her and said, "I know just what you mean honey." It felt so strange and so perfectly parallel that I sensed the Lord was trying to say something. But what?

The next night I was giving her a bath. She didn't want to put her knee in the water, she was afraid it would hurt. I was telling her it needed to be cleaned so it would heal. I heard myself saying,

Does Mama love you?

Does Mama want to hurt you?

Trust me.

It will be okay.


While I was speaking the same little bell went off in my head, that the Lord was trying to tell me something.

I don't understand or feel better. But I do trust Him.


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Leave it With Him

"Consider the lilies, how they grow" (Matt. 6:28)

I need oil," said an ancient monk; so he planted an olive sapling. "Lord," he prayed, "it needs rain that its tender roots may drink and swell. Send gentle showers." And the Lord sent gentle showers. "Lord," prayed the monk, "my tree needs sun. Send sun, I pray Thee." And the sun shone, gilding the dripping clouds. "Now frost, my Lord, to brace its tissues," cried the monk. And behold, the little tree stood sparkling with frost, but at evening it died.

Then the monk sought the cell of a brother monk, and told his strange experience. "I, too, planted a little tree," he said, "and see! it thrives well. But I entrust my tree to its God. He who made it knows better what it needs than a man like me. I laid no condition. I fixed not ways or means. 'Lord, send what it needs,' I prayed, 'storm or sunshine, wind, rain, or frost. Thou hast made it and Thou dost know.'"

Yes, leave it with Him,The lilies all do,
And they grow--They grow in the rain,
And they grow in the, dew--Yes, they grow:
They grow in the darkness, all hid in the night--
They grow in the sunshine, revealed by the light--

Still they grow.
Yes, leave it with Him
'Tis more dear to His heart,
You will know,
Than the lilies that bloom,
Or the flowers that start
'Neath the snow

Whatever you need,
if you seek it in prayer,
You can leave it with Him
for you are His care.

Happy Birthday Isabel - 2 years

I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.
2 Samuel 12:22

Happy Birthday Isabel.

This year on your birthday I can feel happy for you that you have spent 2 of our years in Heaven. I can feel glad for you and less sad for me.

You are missed here.

Your sister would love to have a little sister to take care of. I see it more and more everyday as I watch her mother her dollies. She would have been a big helper to you and me.

She knows you are her sister. She talks about how you are in Heaven. She used to pray that God would send you to us, but now I think she knows we will one day go to you.

You are missed sweet daughter, by us all. There will always be an empty chair at our table meant for you.

All my love,

Mama

Baby Faith

I wanted to share a very special little girl with you. Her name is Faith Hope. She passed away after living 93 days and defying the medical experts. She had anencephaly.

As I was reading through her blog from the beginning, I was shocked at the treatment that the doctors were refusing to give to her baby that was going to be born. Here is a brief clip from this post:

He said that they never recuscitate babies with anencephaly. I asked him, "What do you mean by 'resuscitate'?" He said, "We won't take any measures to prolong the baby's life. The only thing we do is swaddle the baby in a blanket and give the baby to the mother." He said that they would not even suction out her airway if needed. I said "You wouldn't even suction her? Why not?" and he replied very sternly, "Why WOULD we?" I said, "Umm... because I would want you to?"

My GP asked about painkillers to comfort her and he said, "It all comes down to futility. It is FUTILE to give a baby pain medication if the baby cannot benefit from it." And he went on again about how she only had a brain stem and could not feel (sigh...).

Here's one more:
"anencephalic babies are useless for all practical purposes other than spare parts for others."(Ronald Cranford, Chairman of the Ethics and Humanities Committee of the American Academy of Neurology)

I would like this doctor to look at this video of Faith laughing or the one where she wants her "soukie".

I am proud of how Faith's mother Myah stood up for Faith, while the specialist made her feel it was pointless. She valued the life God gave her, and loved her baby every second, right up to the point where she gave her to God.

Our babies don't have to be perfect to be loved. It's not a failure to have an imperfect baby.

Take some time and read about Baby Faith's beautiful life.

Stepping Heavenward

One of my favorite books is Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentiss.

I love it!

Every bit.

The first time I read it, it seemed that each word was a tasty morsel that I couldn't wait to eat. This book follows the life of a woman from her teenage years into womanhood. I identified with Katherine in so many ways while I read the book, and was horrified to read of her young son's death. That was something I hadn't experienced nor could imagine. I'm reading this book again with new eyes now...

We have come into the country with what God has left us, our two youngest children. Yes, I have tasted the bitter cup of bereavement and drunk it down to its dregs. I gave my darling to God, I gave him, I gave him! But, oh, with what anguish I saw those round, dimpled limbs wither and waste away, the glad smile fade forever from that beautiful face! What a fearful thing it is to be a mother! But I have given my child to God. I would not recall him if I could. I am thankful He has counted me worthy to present Him so costly a gift.

I cannot shed a tear, and I must find relief in writing or I shall lose my senses. My noble, beautiful boy! My firstborn son! And to think that my delicate little Una still lives and that death has claimed that bright, glad creature who was the sunshine of our home!

But let me not forget my mercies. Let me not forget that I have a precious husband and two darling children and my kind, sympathizing Mother still left to me. Let me not forget how many kind friends gathered about us in our sorrow. Above all let me remember God's lovingkindness and tender mercy. He has not left us to the bitterness of a grief that refuses and disdains to be comforted. We believe in Him, we love Him, we worship Him as we never did before.

My dear Ernest has felt this sorrow to his heart's core. But he has not for one moment questioned the goodness of the love of our Father in thus taking from us the child who promised to be our greatest earthly joy. Our consent to God's will has drawn us together very closely; together we bear the yoke in our youth, together we pray and sing praises in the midst of our tears. "I was dumb with silence because Thou didst it" (Psalm 39:9).

You can also download and listen to the entire book free from Librivox here.

I'm her Mama

Amidst the Christmas wrapping, my daughter pulled out her baby doll from the box. She held her up and looked down lovingly at her and quietly said, "She loves me because I'm her Mama."

As I lay in the dark cheek-to-cheek with my sleeping beauty, my eyes misted a bit as my thoughts drifted back to the evening and the look in her eyes as she looked deeply into her baby's eyes and said confidently, "She loves me because I'm her Mama."

Those words echoed loudly in my head.

Then with a smile...I thought the same thing.

Rise in the darkness

"Oh Lord be near us now 

Our heart grows faint
Broken tears flow down
In You is strength."

The song "Oh my child" from Nathan Clark George about losing a baby to miscarriage always makes me cry. I love his music.

You can hear part of the song by going to his site and clicking on the song under his Rise in the Darkness album.