One year later

As Isabel's birthday approached, it was really strange. I became very emotional at times, seemingly out of the blue, without really thinking that the year mark was coming up.

It was back to the sobbing-in-bed-at-night-in-the-dark type of crying, with the pillow over my face, trying not to wake my husband. I honestly don't understand it, but I suppose it's somewhat normal.

My husband and I weren't sure what we were supposed to do on her birthday. It's obviously not a happy occasion, she isn't one year old.

Instead it's one year of emptiness.

One year of bathing my daughter and seeing two little girls sitting in the tub.

One year of holding hands around the dinner table, picturing Isabel in the empty spot.

One year of making small talk with people about absolutely nothing important.

One year of feeling guilty about whatever it was I did in the early weeks of my pregnancy.

One year of fighting back tears.

One year of wrestling with God.

Here we are after Isabel's graveside service.

Not a good day.

Two of the kids were sick, it was extremely hot, my milk was coming in and we had just buried our daughter.

Approximately one year later on Isabel's birthday. My husband took me to a nice spanish restaurant we've always wanted to go to. It was a sober and sweet night. We hadn't been out together alone for ages, and now there was so much more between us.

Like soldiers who had gone through a bloody battle together, we had gone through that terrible experience clinging to each other. All of the doctor appointments, ultrasounds, the grim prognosis, the fear of facing the reality of giving birth to our daughter and then watching her die. The memories of all of that and that hellish night hung like a thick fog between us, all unspoken.

We knew.

We remembered and still hurt.

But the Lord had brought us through it.

In the end, we concluded that we were wrong. It shouldn't have just been us. Next year and all the years that follow, our whole family will dress up and go out together to acknowledge Isabel's birthday and honor her as a member of our family. To remember that one day we will see her in Heaven.

So what else have we been up to in the last year?

Papa took up running. He ran his first half marathon in June and is training for his first full marathon this fall. He's also lost about 45 pounds and looks great.

And me? I suppose I've knit my way through miles of yarn. These are some socks I knit for little Jewel. She is one of the new babies at church.

Ways to get through the holidays

Here is a list of ideas that may be helpful to someone. These are from a monthly newletter I receive from Brief Encounters.

• Begin making a special tree ornament for your baby. Cross-stitch or knit ornaments, angels, are all good ideas. Or engrave the name on a beautiful brass ornament.
• If you are sending Christmas cards, consider signing your baby's name.
• Write a love letter to your baby. Tell him or her how much you miss them and wish they were here. Seal it in an envelope and put it in a safe place.
• Shop for Christmas gifts on a "good" day. Choose gifts from a catalog or have a good friend shop with or for you. Try to rest as much as possible.
• Cook meals in double portions and freeze half for a time when you are feeling tired or overwhelmed. Use paper plates and napkins. Do things the easiest way.
• Tie ribbons on a tree in memory of your baby. Blue for a son; pink for a daughter; white for a baby whose gender is unknown. Tie ribbons to denote how old your child would be now.
• Adopt a needy child from an angel tree; maybe the same age as your baby would be now. It may help you to browse the toy or clothes department and purchase a gift for that age.
• Think of ways you want the family to remember your baby during the holidays. Try to mentally prepare yourself for the many confusing emotions this season brings.
• Plan to decorate your baby's gravesite. A decorated tree or wreath, small toys, snow blanket, flowers, gold or silver garlands work well.
• You may wish to invite family and friends to bring an ornament in memory of your baby to help decorate a Christmas tree.
• Let your children make a special ornament for their baby too.
• If it hurts too much to use a particular decoration, pack it safely away for another year. In time, your heart will be ready to celebrate.
• Decorate the altar of your church with a poinsettia or other flower in memory of your baby on Christmas Eve.
• Display a photo album or scrapbook of your baby on the coffee table. Let your family know it's okay to talk about him or her. It's okay to share your tears too.
• Record the family story of your baby; "Remember when...?" Recall when you learned you were pregnant, special memories of the pregnancy, etc.
• Do something special in memory of your baby; light a candle; say their name out loud; hang an ornament; create a table centerpiece; give a gift; share your love.
• Consider traditions. Are there some you want to keep? Some you feel you can't handle? Do something different this year. It's okay to make some changes.

You could order a personalized Christmas ornament with your baby's name on it here.