Death worketh in you

"I was crushed...so much so that I despaired even of life,

but that was to make me rely not on myself,
but on the God who raises the dead." 

II Corinthians 1:8,9

Pressed out of measure and pressed to all length;
Pressed so intensely it seems, beyond strength;
Pressed in the body and pressed in the soul,
Pressed in the mind till the dark surges roll.
Pressure by foes, and a pressure from friends.
Pressure on pressure, till life nearly ends.

Pressed into knowing no helper but God;
Pressed into loving the staff and the rod.
Pressed into liberty where nothing clings;
Pressed into faith for impossible things.
Pressed into living a life in the Lord,
Pressed into living a Christ-life outpoured.


Streams in the Desert, May 18

Rough packages

"The secret of the Lord is with them that fear Him."

Psalm 25:14

There are secrets of Providence which God's dear children may learn. His dealings with them often seem, to the outward eye, dark and terrible. Faith looks deeper and says, "This is God's secret. You look only on the outside; I can look deeper and see the hidden meaning."

Sometimes diamonds are done up in rough packages, so that their value cannot be seen. When the Tabernacle was built in the wilderness there was nothing rich in its outside appearance. The costly things were all within, and its outward covering of rough badger skin gave no hint of the valuable things which it contained.

God may send you, dear friends, some costly packages. Do not worry if they are done up in rough wrappings. You may be sure there are treasures of love, and kindness, and wisdom hidden within. If we take what He sends, and trust Him for the goodness in it, even in the dark, we shall learn the meaning of the secrets of Providence. (A.B. Simpson, Streams in the Desert, May 6)


I just love Streams in the Desert. Sometimes I feel like Mrs. Cowman wrote this book just for me. Everyday the Lord uses it to nudge me along. And this one...oh how well this treasure has been hidden from me. And what a costly package Samuel was to unwrap.

How dark and terrible this has all 'seemed' (been). I long for the day when I can knowingly look back and honestly say how dark and terrible that all was but now I see the treasure the Lord gave.

"He maketh sore, and bindeth up; he woundeth and his hands make whole." Job 5:18

Stay firm, He has not failed thee

In all the past,

And will he go and leave thee

To sink at last?

Nay, He said He will hide thee

Beneath His wing;

And sweetly there in safety

Thou mayest sing.

Wait in silence

My Soul Waits for God Alone

A Psalm of David.

For God alone my soul waits in silence;

from him comes my salvation.

He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress;

I shall not be greatly shaken.

How long will all of you attack a man to batter him,

like a leaning wall, a tottering fence?

They only plan to thrust him down from his high position.

They take pleasure in falsehood.

They bless with their mouths,

but inwardly they curse.

Selah

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress;
I shall not be shaken.
On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.

Selah

Those of low estate are but a breath;
those of high estate are a delusion;
in the balances they go up;
they are together lighter than a breath.
Put no trust in extortion; set no vain hopes on robbery;
if riches increase, set not your heart on them.
Once God has spoken; twice have I heard this:
that power belongs to God, and that to you, O Lord,
belongs steadfast love.
For you will render to a man
according to his work.

- Psalm 62


I listened to Joseph Morecraft teach on Psalm 62 today. It was good.

If you are down, if you are going through tough times, take some time to listen to his sermon called The Soul's Sole Hope. I subscribe to his Podcast called Chalcedon Presbyterian Church. It helped.

It helps to remember who God is.

Allow for numbness

Feeling dazed or numb when your baby dies is often part of your early grief experience. This numbness serves a valuable purpose; it gives your emotions time to catch up with what your mind has been told. You may feel as if the world has suddenly come to a halt. Your plans and dreams for the future have been assaulted.

You may feel you are in a dream-like state. As one mother said, "It's like running headfirst into a solid wall. I was stunned and didn't want to believe the words I was hearing. I wanted someone to wake me up and tell me this wasn't happening."

Feelings of numbness and disbelief help create insulation from the reality of the death until you are more able to tolerate what you don't want to believe.

From Helping Yourself Heal When a Baby Dies

Before

We were all so excited driving to the ultrasound. My husband had taken that Friday afternoon off. Our appointment wasn't until late afternoon, actually the last appointment of the day. It took a good hour and a half to get there, but it flew by because the kids were excited to be doing something different and I was excited about seeing our baby who would be born soon. Pregnancy is no picnic for me and I was counting down the weeks to the day I would get my prize, my treasure.


It was a beautiful, clear spring day. My daughter was wearing her brown cotton dress with the light blue shirt underneath. I loved that outfit.

It was before.

Before we knew.

We were on the cusp of knowing.

We were happy and innocent, thinking only the best of what could be. I see pictures and think, "That was before." or "That was right after we found out." I look at those smiling faces in the picture and feel bad for those people, because I know a secret that will change their lives, and they don't know it. At least, not yet.

All five of us crowded into the exam room with the doctor and the ultrasound equipment. Since it was a naturopathic doctor, he was free to share what he saw. Unfortunately, this time, it was ugly and he didn’t sugarcoat his comments for Isabel’s siblings.

“I don’t see any kidneys.”

I lay there frozen. What did he say? I waited for him to say something to make up for his last comment. It didn’t get any better.

"This is a severely abnormal baby."

I don’t think I will ever forget those words. They were ripping, tearing, searing words. He told us her condition was ‘incompatible with life’ and she would die shortly after birth. He couldn't say how long, I remember him saying "ten minutes".

As soon as we heard this news, I wanted to know the baby’s sex. I had never found out before, I had loved to be surprised at the birth. You see, I was old-fashioned. But now that was all foolishness for people in a perfect world. A world that we were no longer a part of. We had no time to waste.

He thought she was a girl, but it was hard to tell with no amniotic fluid. In my heart, I knew she was a girl.

We were ushered into a nearby birthing room, a box of kleenex shoved into my husband's hand. Our daughter twirled about the room in the most adorable way, completely unaware of the bomb that had just been detonated. The rest of us sat huddled together on a couch crying. My youngest son stared at his little sister tootling around the room and said “...she brings us so much joy. Imagine if she wasn’t here?”

Everything had changed. The date that I had looked forward to and longed for was now a day to dread. A day that we hoped would never have to come

We drove home through a veil of tears and in virtual silence.

Felicity

John Piper spoke at his granddaughter's funeral today. One day before her due date Felicity was stillborn. You can read about it here. John Piper's teachings on suffering (see sidebar) have really helped me to find peace in the sovereignty of God. If you haven't listened to them, I encourage you to download them, they are free but priceless.

Here is a poem he wrote for her.

Felicity

Felicity, that happy name

was hidden with your forming frame

next to the heart of mom and dad

until the day you came.

You did not come as we presumed—

a place upstairs at home was groomed.

Yet other plans our Sovereign had

and took you from the womb.

Life is never ill-conceived.

He willed through you to make us grieved;

and though our hearts now linger sad,

we know whom we’ve believed.

The God who numbers all our days

no less deserves our endless praise.

He means the loss that now bodes bad

to highlight heaven’s rays.

He’s teaching us to trust his grace

while yet we cannot see his face

like you, in righteousness now clad,

and Fatherly embrace.

Felicity, your name will hence

accomplish mom and dad’s intents

and make the saints of Jesus glad

for every providence.

- John Piper

The after days

The sun rises and sets.

Days pass.

Life goes on.

I know life must go on, but it just feels wrong to 'go on'. Somehow it just feels wrong to go back living life as if a beautiful life didn't just briefly enter and leave our family.

My uterus is shrinking back to it's proper size. I lay on the bed and feel my stomach. It reminds me of a bag that carried a precious treasure, but the treasure is gone and all that remains is the crumpled, empty bag. The memory of what once was.

My breasts are no longer painfully engorged with milk, which also makes me cry. Just a week and a half after I gave birth, even my body must go on as if nothing happened.

Of course we all know something happened. Isabel made her brief appearance on this earth. We were able to hold her, tell her we love her, and then stand aside as an angel carried her to Heaven.

Our Sweet Baby Girl

Late Sunday night I started having some contractions. They sporatically continued into Monday. We checked into the hospital Monday afternoon around 1pm.

Isabel Hope was born early this morning at 12:50am. She weighed 3 lbs. 12 oz. She lived approximately 30 short minutes. She didn't appear to struggle or be in any pain.

My parents and sister brought our children to the hospital a few hours before Isabel was born. The boys were able to hold their baby sister.

It was obviously a very painful experience. We ask for your continued prayer support.
Our only comfort is in knowing our sweet little girl is with the Lord, free from the earthly limitations that were imposed upon her.



Then Job arose, tore his robe, and shaved his head; and he fell to the ground and worshiped. And he said:
"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the Lord."
In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong.

Job 1: 20-22


Articles of note:

In the Shadow of Death – The Little Ones Are Safe With Jesus

What happens to Infants When They Die

What do I say?

My sister talked to a friend of hers who has lost a baby. Here was her advice...

The advice I have is to let them totally grieve. Let them be angry and don't say things like well at least you have 3 other kids or God only gives you what you can handle. I think those were the worst things I heard when I was going through it all. Tell them this all just sucks and it is awful because it is. I know I didn't want to hear the "oh time will heal" and all that supportive stuff for awhile. All I can say is it is the WORST of the worst. It is the most painful grief of all. I know you grieve when your grandparents die but you know that is the cycle of life and you can kind of make sense of it but it just doesn't make sense when a baby dies. It took me probably a good 18 to 24 months before I felt like I could go on with my life. That first year I seriously cried everytime I had to drive on the route we took to the hospital. It is just going to take a lot of time to get through this. And as I am typing this memories are coming to me and I remember how horrible it was going to the funeral parlor and making those arrangements and then walking into that room to see the tiny little casket. That killed me. So just be sensitive to all that when the time comes and give her lots of support even just being physically with her but maybe not saying anything. She just needs to get it all out. My heart totally aches for them and I can physically feel their pain for them. I will pray for peace for them. This will never make sense to them but I pray they will be able to get it to a place where they can manage it. I am so so sorry for them. I wish no parent ever had to go through the death of their child.

I totally agree with her dislike for comments like
“God won’t give you more than you can handle” or
“God knows you are strong enough” or
“Because you are strong, God knows you can handle this” etc.

I’ve had a few of those comments, I don’t really think that it’s a Biblical comment. I think people confuse that idea with what the Bible says about temptation:

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

I do know that God’s grace is here for us to help us in times of trouble, but I don’t think he allows tragedy to come on someone just because they are ‘stronger’ than others. The rain falls on the just and the unjust. It’s like the song about the house on the sand or on the rock. It rains on all of us, but depending on where you build your house dictates if or how you live through it.

Knowing that Isabel won’t have to live through this life with all it’s hardships and she will be assured eternity in Heaven is not really a comfort to me at this point. Of course, I want her to be in Heaven someday, but I want her with me now.

I think through this I realize how many times I have said the wrong things in the past to others. When something bad happens to someone, you want to comfort them, and give them a reason. I know I did. I would make some attempt to make sense out of it. But now I realize, that’s not what people want to hear. Because we are all just human, we can’t possibly know or understand the mind of God. How could I possibly know why this happened? The grieving person doesn’t really care what my thoughts are on it. The bottom line is it doesn’t make sense to us now and it probably never will this side of eternity. It's just awful. Period.

I appreciate those who let me say things without correcting whether they are rational or not. To try to make it make sense doesn’t help, because it just doesn’t. It’s just hard and something we wish we didn’t have to go through. In the end, I think the best thing to say is "I'm sorry. I'm praying for you." and a hug. What else can anyone say? Nothing.

If the Lord does take her, I do ask the Lord to let her know how much we loved and wanted her and how much we so desperately wanted to keep her.