Isabel Hope: Thinking of you

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Thinking of you

I'm thinking of you tonight Samuel.

It's hard to believe I had a baby less than two months ago and here I am again, going on with life 'as usual'. No baby carrier with you in my shopping cart. I see little ones and my eyes linger over them, comparing them to you. Would you be older? If you had lived, would my baby be that size or bigger?

It feels so wrong.

I miss you.

I miss life when it was normal. I could carelessly take so much for granted.

It was fun to look forward to you, before we knew that you too, would leave us. So many daydreams I entertained Little One. Of you and me, me holding you, Papa holding you, the kids holding you...you get the idea. There was a lot of love that was to be lavished upon you.

Sigh.

There still is.

Like I said, I'm thinking of you tonight Samuel. And missing you.

1 comment:

Big James said...: All sorts of things I would like to say. I also don't want to say anything glib. This may sound odd, but I am proud of you. The strength you are living with day to day must be incredible. Here is a video that moved me when I saw it. It made me think of you. I am assuming that you have seen this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=th6Njr-qkq0

Have a wonderful Christmas. God's grace is with you.

James Jones; December 20, 2009 at 11:40 PM

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Summary

Our family was excitedly expecting our 4th baby and planning another homebirth like all the rest when an ultrasound at 7.5 months showed Isabel had no kidneys. This is called Bi-Lateral Renal Agenesis or Potter's Syndrome. A baby with no kidneys does not urinate, therefore there is no amniotic fluid. The amniotic fluid is what the baby breathes in and out of the lungs, which also develops the lungs and prepares them for breathing air. We were told there was no possibility that Isabel would live after birth. Her lungs would not function. So we prayed and waited for Isabel to be born. We did not know how long she would live.

Our 5th baby, Samuel, was stillborn October 21, 2009 due to Trisomy 13.

How to Cope

Grieving parents may feel a sense of emptiness for weeks, months or years after experiencing their loss. The grief felt over losing a baby through premature birth or from a fatal birth defect is one of the most intense. All parents must feel free to express their love for the baby they have lost. Some of the difficult and painful aspects of grieving for the loss of a baby are listed here:

Engorgement and milk in the breasts can be a painful physical reminder for a mother that she has no baby to nurse.

Fathers need opportunities to express their grief in their own way. It is important to realize that each individual grieves differently.

Parents often need assistance in talking with their other children about the baby's death.

Grandparents often grieve for their grandchild, and may also find it difficult to deal with the pain of their children.

Family members and friends often find it hard to talk about the baby, and inappropriate remarks may cause further grief.

Seeing pregnant women and babies is often painful for months after the loss of a baby.

Anniversaries of the baby's birth and death often bring back parents' feelings of grief and loss.

From http://www.empty-cradles.com/infantloss.htm