Sunday, September 14, 2008

Eating your greens

Unmet expectations. They will get you every time. It's in expecting perfection that make the bumps in the road so hard to take.

I have been wanting to get pregnant for awhile now and each month I am disappointed. This last month my feelings seemed to be hurt particularly more than usual. I saw the negative test and then jumped in the shower, fighting back the tears.

I prayed, "Lord, WHY?! If I were you and someone had to go through an entire pregnancy AND took tablespoons of cod liver oil and Berry Green (which tastes incredibly nasty!) through the whole thing and ended up having to bury her baby...I would let them get pregnant right away! Why?! I don't understand? I'm just so frustrated!!!"

Yes, it was a tantrum.

It was a dying to my hopes and dreams...again.

Maybe tantrums are just the sound your dreams make as they die.

They don't go down without a fight.

I had this incredibly frustrating realization that I am not in control of my life. No matter how much I want to make my life a certain way...I can't. We think we can, and sometimes God allows us the illusion that we can, but in that moment, I realized how completely powerless I truly am.

I felt like the Lord was showing me that the only reason I am frustrated and disappointed is that my life isn't working out "according to the plans I have for me". He also reminded me that when I give my kids something for dinner that they don't like or want, what they are really saying is that they don't like what I gave them. (Me!! Their loving mother who wants the world for them.)

One might even say they are frustrated with what I gave them. Much like I am frustrated with what God has given me.

He showed me that being frustrated and discontent is simply a nice way (or not so nice way) of complaining about what He (my Father who loves me and knows what is best) has given me.

I prayed and cried and asked the Lord, "Why???????? Wasn't losing Isabel enough?"

Immediately, I was reminded of a story Darlene Diebler Rose told. She was in a WWII Japanese prison camp, beaten regularly and starved, weighing just 60 pounds. While in solitary confinement, she was given rice with worms on top. She tried to pick them off, but it was impossible. She finally decided to eat them along with the rice and she could honestly thank her Heavenly Father for providing her with that food with a bit of protein as well. At one point she cried out to the Lord and begged him to make it stop. He told her "those I love, I chasten". He told her that if He had to take her through the fire several times, that is what He wanted to do, to make her like pure gold.

I looked up 'chasten' and found: "To rid of excess; refine or purify"

In my mind losing Isabel was so hard, and now that it was over, I thought the battle was over. We made it through, now it's time for a rest and possibly some blessing thrown in for good measure! But it seems that it's in the extended suffering that the Lord can really press us and mold us into something more. When we give up and die to our dreams. Die to being Lord of our own lives and thankfully eat what our wise and loving Father has served us, true contentment comes.

After that I read how the Lord answered Job's questioning as to why He had allowed such calamity to befall him and his household starting in Job 38:4 by saying "Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth? Tell Me, if you have understanding." God showed Job how big HE is and how small Job was. That helped put things in perspective for me. (Check sidebar for John Piper's audio on suffering)

LESSON: Trust God and his sovereignty over all things.
Sovereignty is the exclusive right to have control over an area of governance, people, or oneself

Q. Does our acceptance of God's sovereignty in our lives allow him sovereignty in our lives?

A. Peeshaw! He is. He reigns. Accept it, don't fight it.

APPLICATION: Be happy today.
Not just content, but honestly happy and extremely thankful for every day.

P.S. Lord, I'm working on it.


Anonymous said...

Debra, Thanks for sharing this and showing your heart. A lot of that was for me, too, even though I have not lost my baby...but you know why it is for me. Love you. -- Sue

Debra said...


I understand.

Love you too,